lately, life has been hard. i find myself lost in my head a lot, not knowing what to do, or how to make myself have perspective. i don't have all of the things from home that i could use to cope or to just forget about life for a while... an afternoon at a coffee shop, going to live music and dancing, or free nights and weekends to talk as long as i need to. all of that is gone. so now it's just me.
i remember being in tahoe and talking in the kids camp office. one of the instructors that had been teaching for 40ish years was talking about her husband and marriage. she said, "when it's really good, remind yourself that it will get worse and when it's really bad, remember it will get better." after a year and a half here, i still feel like this is some weird marriage to Stan. right now it's bad, but it will get better.
the longer i am here, the more i realize about myself. jess told me, you will learn more about yourself there than you would in any other situation and in any other place. and i believe her. here i am on the other side of the world, figuring out how i want to live, who i am, and what i really want from life.
i want...
to live in new england
to teach high school english
to coach field hockey
to exercise and be strong
to be proud of what i write
to continue understanding who i am
to take time to listen
to breath deep
to fully give my love to those who deserve it and expect the same in return
to learn more about my family
to make music
to be happy
I’m scared that I’m not going to get my book project money in time to do the training. I’m scared that everyone will think that I have failed and not trust me anymore. I’m scared that I’m going to not make a different in Kyrgyzstan. I’m scared that I’m going to go back to the US and realize that Peace Corps was a waste of time. I’m scared that no one will want to listen to my stories or try to understand how the world is in Kyrgyzstan. I’m scared that I won’t be able to relate to anyone. I’m scared that this has changed me more than I know. I’m scared that I won’t be able to work a full day happily ever again. I’m scared that life will end too soon. I’m scared that there isn’t enough time for me to have to life I have dreamed about. I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle what life throws at me.
I’m not scared of getting old. I’m not scared of falling in love. I’m not scared of telling the truth. I’m not scared of moving on to the next stage of my life. I’m not scared of getting married and having a family. I’m not scared of traveling the world. I’m not scared to live in one place and create a solid community. I’m not scared of succeeding in a future career. I’m not scared of trying something new. I’m not scared of shitting myself. I’m not scared of pushing my body to the limits. I’m not scared of having responsibilities. I’m not scared of being myself. I’m not scared of eating intestines… well, maybe the after effect of eating them. I’m not scared of experimenting in the kitchen. I’m not scared of taking a different path. I’m not scared of looking stupid. I’m not scared of being loyal to who my friends are. I’m not scared of people looking at me. I’m not scared of people judging me. I’m not scared of being vulnerable.
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1 comment:
Katie,
It's good to write down our thoughts. It helps solidify the many mixed messages we all receive everyday. It helps us focus on what's important.
I thought as I read your musings from yesterday how natural they are. You're concerned about so many of the things that haunt us all through our lives. We want to succeed and fear failure. We wonder if it's all worth it. I can tell you from experience, it is.
Whether you're in Bedford or Kyrgyzstan it doesn't matter, the situation is the same. Well, maybe not the intestine thing but otherwise it's the same.
Being on edge about the future is part of being young and old, from time-to-time a little self doubt is a good thing. It keeps us sharp and results in the best performance.
You've taken a chance. I think you've been given a gift. You have an opportunity to impact people’s lives. Many years from now you'll think back on this experience and you'll remember the people you met and how they changed you. They will have the same memories about you.
Remember that all experiences alter our course. They must. They are there for us to learn. Your task, our task, is to put the experience in perspective. To learn from the event, good or bad and move forward and grow.
As I said above, it's good to commit your thoughts to a permanent record. But don't get too caught up in them. Don't spend a lot of time analyzing and worrying. We can't go back in time and change our experiences and we don't know the future. What we can do is live in the moment, learn from our experiences and do the best we are able.
You will carry this experience with you forever. It will help shape your future. It is a part of you as every one of your experiences is and will be.
You have changed. We all change every day because of our experiences. Embrace the change and know that it will serve you well as you make this journey we call life.
Be well, be safe, enjoy the moment, reach for the brass ring, it's all worth it. I'm glad I know you.
The other Katie's Dad Wayne
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